<![CDATA[JORDAN MOTTA, LMFT

<![CDATA[JORDAN MOTTA, LMFT - Learn more]]>Tue, 07 Apr 2026 17:11:02 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[ThE ROLE OF AVOIDANCE IN PTSD]]>Wed, 24 May 2023 20:47:12 GMThttps://www.jordanmotta.com/blog/the-role-of-avoidance-in-ptsdPost-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a complex mental health condition that can arise after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. Among its various symptoms, avoidance plays a significant role in shaping the lives of those affected by PTSD. Avoidance behaviors, which include avoiding reminders, thoughts, and emotions associated with the traumatic event, serve as protective mechanisms in the short term. However, in the long run, they can perpetuate the cycle of fear and hinder the healing process. In this blog post, we delve into the role of avoidance in PTSD and discuss strategies for breaking free from its grasp.

Understanding avoidance

Avoidance is a natural response to distressing situations, allowing individuals to protect themselves from potential harm. In the context of PTSD, it often manifests as a way to avoid triggers that might bring back traumatic memories or evoke intense emotional distress. This could involve avoiding specific locations, conversations, people, or activities that remind them of the traumatic event.

Avoidance behaviors can take various forms, including physical avoidance (avoiding places associated with the trauma), cognitive avoidance (suppressing thoughts or memories related to the event), emotional avoidance (numbing or suppressing emotions), and social avoidance (withdrawing from social interactions). While these behaviors might provide temporary relief, they ultimately hinder the recovery process and perpetuate the cycle of fear and anxiety.

The vicious cycle

Avoidance can inadvertently reinforce and intensify the symptoms of PTSD. By avoiding triggers, individuals deny themselves the opportunity to process the traumatic experience and develop effective coping mechanisms. Instead, the avoidance creates a vicious cycle where fear and distress become increasingly prominent, leading to isolation, emotional numbing, and a reduced quality of life.

Furthermore, avoidance can prevent individuals from seeking necessary support and treatment, as confronting the trauma can be an overwhelming prospect. This delay in seeking help can prolong the duration and intensity of symptoms, making it more challenging to break free from the grip of PTSD.

Breaking free from avoidance

Overcoming avoidance is a crucial step towards healing and reclaiming one's life from the clutches of PTSD. Here are some strategies that can aid in this process:

1.     Educate Yourself: Understanding the nature of PTSD, its symptoms, and the role of avoidance is essential. By learning about the condition, you can gain insight into your experiences and recognize avoidance behaviors as a hindrance to recovery.

2.     Seek Professional Help: Reach out to a mental health professional experienced in trauma therapy. They can guide you through evidence-based treatments such as Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which specifically target avoidance behaviors and assist in processing the trauma.

3.     Gradual Exposure: With the guidance of a therapist, gradually confronting triggers and reminders can help desensitize your responses over time. Exposure therapy provides a safe environment to face fears and build resilience.

4. Take Stock of Your Beliefs: Many trauma survivors have thoughts and beliefs that cause anxiety and contribute to behaviors that create challenges of their own. Figuring out what you've been telling yourself about your safety, responsibility and worth in this world is vital. Which beliefs are balanced, and which beliefs are extreme and trauma-related? Which beliefs support you moving on in a way that is consistent with your identity and values?

5. Develop Coping Strategies: Learn healthy coping mechanisms to manage distressing emotions and triggers. Techniques such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation, and grounding techniques can help you regain control during moments of anxiety.

6.     Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with understanding and supportive individuals who can provide emotional support and encouragement along your healing journey. Joining support groups or engaging in peer support can be particularly beneficial.

7.     Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that promote relaxation, well-being, and self-compassion. Engage in activities that bring you joy, such as hobbies, exercise, spending time in nature, or practicing mindfulness.

Avoidance works... until it doesn't

Avoidance is a common and understandable response to trauma for individuals with PTSD. It can "work" to help mitigate some of the distress that follows a trauma in situations where the right resources or opportunities for healing aren't available. However, breaking free from avoidance is vital for healing and reclaiming a fulfilling life. By seeking professional help, gradually confronting triggers, and developing healthy coping strategies, it is possible to overcome avoidance and navigate the path towards recovery. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and with the right support and strategies, you can break free from the chains of trauma and find hope and healing.

]]><![CDATA[Why Children with Trauma Can Feel Isolated, and How Parents Can Help]]>Sat, 20 Apr 2019 21:25:29 GMThttps://www.jordanmotta.com/blog/why-children-with-trauma-can-feel-isolated-and-how-parents-can-help

Children who’ve been through traumatic or scary events can often seem listless and down. You may have noticed them spending more time alone or complaining about being different from their friends at school. Isolation, a feeling of solitude, of being set apart for the wrong reasons, can set in big-time for kids, leaving them uncertain about themselves or driven to act out for attention in all the wrong ways. Why is this, and what can we do to support our kids in kicking isolation to the curb and realizing that they are perfect, just the way they are?

Convince them it’s safe to remember the trauma

The number-one reason children feel isolated after a trauma is the difficulty around talking about what happened and connecting with others over this huge event in their lives. Children often don’t want to remember their difficult experiences because they worry they’ll be overwhelmed by the difficult emotions or sensations they experienced when the event happened initially. A child whose brother died suddenly might avoid talking about his brother out of fear that his grief will overwhelm him and he’ll cry a river so deep he’ll drown. A teenager who broke her arm in a car accident might avoid doctor’s appointments under the impression that it will keep her from re-experiencing the physical pain she felt when she initially had her bone set.

Of course, the reality is that remembering a trauma does not actually catapult us back in time and force upon our bodies or brains what we felt at the time of the trauma. But it feels that way for traumatized children, and we have to remind ourselves that strong feelings are scary for children, especially when they’re young. Children need guidance around dealing with all types of big and intense feelings, but particularly those which are trauma-related. We can teach our kids that remembering what happened is not the same as going through it all over again. We can remember little bits at a time, then practice moving away from the tough feelings, then back into them again later on. Convince them it’s safe to remember, that they are safe now.

Let them know they’re not alone

Children with trauma often think they are the only person on the planet who has gone through what they’ve gone through, or who has the same feelings they do about it. Because they have less real-world experience and are often shielded from the more nefarious parts of humanity, children typically have little information about trauma and who it happens to. They’re often shocked to learn how common traumatic events and how many other people their age may have experienced something similar. When kids are under the impression that something bad has happened to them, and not to others, they might use words like, “different,” “changed” or “broken” to describe themselves. This type of self-concept leads to isolation.

Kids can feel less alone when they realize they’re not the only one. Asking questions like, “How many other kids have experienced [their trauma]?” “Does [their trauma] happen only to kids your age, or other ages, even grown-ups?” “Is it just our family who has been through [their trauma], or have other families?” “What types of people go through [their trauma]?” Connecting with other kids or families who have experienced similar events can help children shake off some of the loneliness and shame that comes with trauma. And, of course, remind them that you’re there for them and that they don’t have to face their feelings on their own.

Make it OK to talk about the trauma

Isolation becomes a major risk factor when a child was told that there is something about their story that is wrong to speak about—maybe because it is too gross/bad/weird/uncomfortable, or maybe because something bad will happen if they tell. This gets even worse when kids go through something that is not socially acceptable to talk about openly, or that garners a negative reaction from people. Sexual abuse is the most obvious example of a trauma type that fits this bill, but domestic violence, physical abuse, or a caregiver’s substance abuse might also meet this criteria. Families dealing with big issues such as these are understandably motivated to try and keep these matters private out of fear of real repercussions, but unfortunately this sends an oppressive message to kids and leaves them with information that they now have to work hard to keep buried. Some children might even consciously or unconsciously choose to be isolated so as not to have to worry about being discovered.

Even when kids simply sense that there is something unspeakable about their story, they protect themselves by holding it in and isolating. Parents might accidentally contribute to this by not asking kids about the trauma, thinking it’s better to let a (seemingly) sleeping dog lie or believing that they won’t be able to handle the details. It’s likely that children feel isolated because they are getting subtle messages from others that what they experienced was abnormal, weird or somehow wrong.

It’s a tricky tightrope to walk, but a good rule of thumb is that, when it comes to trauma, courage should always be more important than comfort. It takes courage to remember and to face the fear that remembering and talking about their trauma will result in overwhelming emotions or negative consequences. Demonstrate to your child that there is no piece of their story that is too terrible, gross, or difficult for you to know about. You are the adult, the strong one, and you can handle it—even if you have to remind yourself sometimes it’s OK to remember. It might hurt to find out the details of their suffering, but if you avoid that information, you’re sending the message that what they experienced was shameful and they should feel isolated and different from others.

Teach kids and teens that there are people who know how to talk to and help kids about trauma, and there are people who don’t know. Enable them to pick the right people to tell about their trauma and to help them with their symptoms. Parents, close family members, school counselors, and therapists are all good options. Other people, like classmates, teachers, or friends’ parents might not be sure how to help and they could say the wrong thing accidentally. There are lots of times when other people will need to be informed, and in those cases, it’s a good idea to be the messenger yourself, rather than the child.

Help them cope with their PTSD symptoms

Traumatized people often strongly believe that others can tell they’ve been through a trauma just by looking at them. Even if kids do get past this belief, they still might notice that they react to the world differently than the people around them. What sounds like a drum beating to the average child can sound like a gunshot to a traumatized child. The smell of vanilla might make a typical teen think of her new perfume while a traumatized teen might think of the candle she watched burning while her parents fought violently. These thoughts and feelings can all contribute to that problematic and isolating belief that they are different from others and are alone in their experiences in general.

If a child knows that their distress is coming from trauma reminders and knows how to cope with those reactions, they can feel a sense of pride and self-confidence that can override that isolation and help them realize they’re on-track to getting back to normal. This is part of why talking about the trauma is so important, because you need to play detective quite a bit to determine what trauma reminders are—sometimes they can be quite unpredictable! Colors, sounds, scents, phrases of speech, and body positions might all be sneaky reminders of the traumatic experience. Help your child be prepared and arm them with a few skills to use when they remember so that they can prevent getting overwhelmed. Simple coping skills like taking a deep breath or squeezing a stress ball can go a long way!

PTSD and Parenting

When children aren’t empowered to speak about their trauma or cope with the reminders of it, they can come to the conclusion that the story of who they are isn’t acceptable to the world around them, and that they must therefore stay away and be on their own. It can be very isolating to go through a traumatic event, but there is so much we can do to help children reconnect and recover. When we make it safe to remember and share, we help children realize that they’re not alone and that this trauma does not have to define who they are.

If you’re looking for support, seek out a therapist who has training and experience treating kids with trauma. Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT for short) is an evidence-based form of treatment that guides kids through learning to cope and helping parents shoulder this weight.

Stay strong!

]]><![CDATA[Learning to sail my ship: beginner's mind]]>Tue, 12 Feb 2019 00:05:33 GMThttps://www.jordanmotta.com/blog/beginnersmind

Learning to Sail My Ship is my little corner where I meditate on the ups and downs of learning to sail with my partner and exploring how I can put what I’ve learned into my daily life.

Beginner’s Mind is a concept from Zen Buddhism and also the name of my 1990 West Wight Potter sailboat... here she is above, on our first time out [click to watch the naming happen]. Beginner’s Mind speaks to the value of maintaining the open-minded, unassuming and excited type of curiosity that you have when you first learn something. It is used in meditation when you’ve grown bored watching the rise and fall of your 893rd breath—Beginner’s Mind reminds you that each breath, each sound, each texture under your fingertips is new and full of life. Being in a beginner’s mindset increases the joy of a moment and helps you feel an experience fully from the inside out.

Beginner’s Mind doesn’t just apply to meditation, though: it’s useful in every situation a person can get stuck in, as it helps with mindful problem-solving. Often, the moments when we struggle the most are

the moments when we’re not in Beginner’s Mind, when we think we know the “right” way. In my life, rushing too quickly into an understanding of a situation and holding onto my assumptions has caused problems in my relationships, my career, and my own well-being. As a therapist, I strive to get into a beginner’s mindset to meet my clients where they are and truly understand where they’re coming from and what their needs are because every person, relationship and situation is different. In my marriage, I strive to challenge the assumptions I land on about what my partner’s words or actions mean and listen deeply, as if I don’t understand at all, as if I’m brand new to the argument.

So, with the challenge of adjusting to another cross-country move and starting new jobs—and all the strain that puts on a couple individually and together—my husband and I renewed our commitment to zen habits and decided to start taking advantage of our coastal location while learning something new together. When we found this little “pocket yacht” and reflected on beginning this new adventure together, Beginner’s Mind stood out as a description of both what we were and wanted to embody.

I thought it would be easy being mindful in learning to sail, but it hasn’t been. I thought it would be easy, too, when I started graduate school, when I moved and had to start at a new job, or when I started tiling my bathroom floor. I thought I would be able to just be calm, listen to the world around me, and let my curiosity lead me to the information I needed. But these things weren’t easy; deadlines popped up out of nowhere, people acted unpredictably, and the thin-set dried before I could get a tile cut. It’s not easy, not at all. It’s not easy to think of yourself as a beginner, especially when you’re an adult and you’ve learned so much. There is a craving for structure, a manual, a way to do it right. It may be exciting to approach something new in a classroom, or even sitting in meditation, but it can be scary to be out in the real world—out in an ocean in a tiny boat—trying to tap into the eager and open state of seeking to understand and experience. When people are suffering, when dinner is burning, or when your boat stills in changing tides—these are all moments when you want to be able to say, “I have the answer.” Frustration, fear, and pressure can lead you into thinking that being a beginner and making mistakes is shameful.

Breaking down my certainty and embracing the not-knowing opens my mind to the real possibilities of what can be, even in the moments when I have no answer, or when failure occurs. I’m saying this a day after we had the biggest #sailfail yet. We crashed, we damaged our boat, we were forced to row with oars as million-dollar yachts sped by, and in the end had to get towed back to safety. I was contemplating quitting the whole thing when Beginner’s Mind kicked in, and I found excitement in trying to understand what went wrong. Before I knew it, I was envisioning myself back on open waters, turning my head to find where the wind is loudest in my ears, and laughing as the wind turns our sails into wings. When we seek to understand, when we let go of our assumptions and open ourselves fearlessly to simply taking in information, the world is richer, people are more lovable, relationships are deeper, and we bounce back from challenges more quickly.

When Louisa May Alcott wrote in Little Women, “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship,” her character was explaining that she is less nervous about conflict in her marriage because she has grown better at dealing with it. When I reflect on the most valuable tool I have used in my relationship, it is to convince myself that I don’t know what is in my partner’s heart, that I have to listen without presumptions and meet him where he is. We’ve learned to sail our ship when it comes to our marriage, but sailing our ship when it comes to, well, sailing our ship… Nope, not even close! Beginner’s Mind is a work in progress, for sure, but reaching for it is every bit worth the effort.

Where do you need to work on stepping back from the expert role and opening your mind to new possibilities?

]]><![CDATA[5 TRICKS TO Stop Blaming Yourself So Much]]>Tue, 29 Jan 2019 20:21:58 GMThttps://www.jordanmotta.com/blog/5-ways-stop-blaming-yourself-so-much

There’s nothing wrong with reflecting on a situation and considering where you got off-track, but for some of us, these types of thoughts can quickly start us on a spiral towards shame and a habit of self-blame. Shame is icky and uncomfortable... you might recognize it in the pit of your stomach, in the downcast of your eyes, or the whole-body collapse sensation you feel when you’re confronted with some piece of information that seemingly confirms what you’ve sometimes suspected: that you’re not really a good person. Guilt is the feeling you get when you did something wrong, but shame is the feeling you get when you sense you are something wrong.

Here’s the thing, though: self-blame and shame often prevent you from feeling the real feelings you need to feel, or taking responsibility for the real things you need to change. In other words, self-blame and shame are actually counterproductive to you doing better next time! When too much self-blame triggers shame, it’s easy to get defensive and run away from real responsibility. Conversely, it can also be easy to fall into a shame spiral and get stuck in believing that you really are a hot mess that needs total life reconstruction. Oh, the drama of our brains!

Here are 5 things to do to bust through your self-blame and avoid the spiral down to shame:

1. Use self-compassion to soothe.
Everyone struggles sometimes, you are not alone in this! From a kind and compassionate place, ask yourself a few key questions: What does it feel like when you’re blaming yourself? Where is it in your body? If it had a shape, what shape would it be? How about a color, taste, and smell? Many people occupy a collapsed position when they’re feeling shame, and others puff up in defensive anger. Tend to how you’re feeling and experiment with soothing those sensations through deep breathing and self-care. With more awareness of self-blame, you’ll be better able to spot it when it pops up and see it for the monster it is.

2. Figure out exactly what your brain is telling you that you did or didn’t do that was “wrong.”
A lot of times, when shame gets triggered, it’s just a tangled up mess inside your head. Slow down and try to get specific: what exactly are you telling yourself that you did wrong? Sometimes I ask people this question and they quickly realize that they’re blaming themselves for the most outlandish reasons, or for things that they had no control over whatsoever! Self-blame can become a habit, a knee-jerk reaction that, with a little investigation, can quickly be undone.

3. Ask yourself why you did or didn’t do the thing you’re blaming yourself for.
This is the most crucial step! If, after consulting your brain for specifics, you come up with something you think you actually did wrong, ask yourself why you think you did (or did not do) this. Lots of people who are hurt by others blame themselves for not fighting back hard enough. When they start considering why they didn’t fight back more, they often come to realize this wasn’t actually possible, or that it may have resulted in a worse outcome. Facing your reasons for why you did or didn’t do something can get you much more in-touch with the real story and broaden your view of the people or factors responsible.

4. Are you playing Monday Morning Quarterback?
Remember: hindsight is 20/20! That means that when you look back on a situation with the information you have now that it’s all played out, you can easily spot the places that different actions may have been able to change the outcome. This is biased thinking because you didn’t have the information you have now when you were in the situation initially! If hindsight bias is contributing to your self-blame, remind yourself that you’re not playing fair. Things happened as they did because you made the best decision you could with the information you had at that time. If after this, you spot a real mistake you made that you really could have avoided making, now is the time acceptance and forgiveness.

5. Consider how you want to behave in situations like this in the future and what you need to make that happen.
Change in the future does not always require you to understand what exactly you did wrong in the past. If you have a clear idea of how you want to act in situations like these in the future, you are in the perfect position to see what might get in the way of you making that happen and getting what you need now. A person blaming herself for not fighting back enough might decide she would like to know how to defend herself more effectively in a similar situation. Once she takes stock of her ability to do so, she may realize she has no training and really would not be able to fight any harder given her current knowledge and skill level of self-defense. “Why,” she’ll realize, “am I blaming myself for not doing something I had no idea how to do?” Now, instead of getting stuck in self-blame, she can move forward in an empowering direction. (And if your brain goes to, “Well it’s her fault she didn’t get self-defense classes… she should have gotten self-defense classes so she could have fought back and prevent being hurt” then you’ve got it bad, my friend, but that’s OK! Just repeat steps 3 and 4 and you’ll come to some really good reasons she never took that class.)

What’s funny to me is that the more I try to find out what I’m doing wrong, the more shame I feel, and the more that shame gets in the way of me acting like I want to act. And when I feel shame, the response is not pretty. Cutting back self-blame takes courage: you have to look it straight in the eye and entertain its ideas, you have to face the monster and beat it back. But you can do it, and it's worth it!

If you’re struggling with anxiety, depression and a habit of self-blame, don’t be shy about seeking out support from a mental health professional who can hold your hand as you start standing up to guilt and shame.

]]><![CDATA[an open letter to parents of kids with trauma]]>Mon, 31 Dec 2018 20:57:57 GMThttps://www.jordanmotta.com/blog/an-open-letter-to-parents-of-kids-with-trauma

*All stories in this post have had details changed to protect confidentiality

Dear Parents of Children with Trauma,

I see you, with your reddened eyes, shaking with effort to keep the tears from spilling out, your shoulders hunched under the weight of the responsibility for the child you promised to keep safe for always. I hear your questions around “finding solutions and moving forward” and watch as you try to push away those other, deeper, scarier questions around “why did this happen?” that threaten you with guilt and confusion so big you can barely breathe.

I’m so sorry to you that on top of having to face the fact that your child has been through something stressful or traumatic, you now have to wrestle with self-blame and an affront to your sense of safety in the

world. And moreover, I’m sorry that society so often sends conflicting messages about your role in what happened to your child. Questions from friends and family like, “Why did you let it get that bad with their dad?” or “Weren’t you keeping an eye on your son while he was swimming?”—all of these may seem to confirm your worst fears that you didn’t protect your child and you’re not an adequate parent. Let’s try to step back and see the forest from the trees a little.

Helicopter parents—those who try to hover over their kids and prevent all harm from befalling them—are widely criticized for limiting their child’s problem-solving capacities. But, at the same time, the first person we all blame when a child is hurt or misbehaves is the parent. The parent is in a catch-22 here where they’re not supposed to overprotect, but they’re 100% responsible when something bad happens... That’s no fair!

The truth is, as children get older and gain motor, social, and moral thinking skills, it’s healthy and appropriate for them to gain more freedom from their parents. Parents should strive to support their children in becoming more independent, which means giving them time and space to explore. The tough part is that with that time and space comes the possibility that something scary, stressful, or damaging happening to a child. So, what is a parent supposed to do? Glue their child to their hip so they can be there to ward off any danger? That’s just not realistic, unless you’re Molly Weasley and can bewitch your dishes to do themselves.

I have sat across from many parents who have wept with guilt over the things they think they should have done to prevent their child from stress and trauma. I’ve heard it all, from “I had a feeling this would happen,” to “I shouldn’t have taken him there that day,” all the way to plain old, “This is all my fault” and “I’m a terrible parent!” No, no, no, no! You couldn’t see the future, you didn’t know that this was going to happen—maybe you had a “feeling” but did that feeling tell you loudly and clearly what was about to go down? Of course not; If harm were certain, you’d do everything to prevent it, and even then you might have fallen short. We are all doing the absolute best we can. For parents, it’s trying to strike the right balance between giving a child autonomy and supervision, freedom and protection, privacy and togetherness.

You are only one person making the best choices you can as life unfolds. You may have the reality of work or other children to take care of that demand attention and often, ignoring those other demands on your attention would be far more catastrophic than trying to foresee and prevent all possible dangers. I had a parent once whose young child drowned after falling in a wave pool at a water park. She blamed herself because she had removed the child’s arm-band flotation devices. When I asked her why they had been removed, she explained that the child hadn’t eaten all day, but cried when the floaties got in the way of her being able to get food into her mouth. Maybe some of you will say, “Well if a child is even close to a pool, they need their floaties on!” Put yourself in that position and honestly tell me that when you have a handful of children to manage, and one needs sunscreen, one needs supervision, and one needs to eat, you are not going to make smart choices to minimize meltdowns and risk across the board. Like I said, we are all doing the best we can, making the best decisions with the information we have and the situation as we perceive it.

Also, please remember that just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you can resist the charm and manipulation of a talented sociopath who is looking to abuse a child. Think of the parents of the young female gymnasts who were sexually abused by Larry Nassar, a USA Gymnastics doctor who was supposed to be helping them with their sports injuries—these parents were sometimes even in the room when the abuse took place. When a person wants to get away with hurting a child, they find ways to trick both the child and the parents. You’re not immune to this.

I want to encourage you to have compassion for yourself. If really and truly, you think you did something that contributed to the trauma occurring, ask yourself why you did that thing. Drill down deep—could you have actually made a different choice with the information you had at the time? If so, work on forgiving yourself and learning so that you can make a different choice next time. But if not, which I think is the reality the vast majority of the time, it’s time to accept the difficult reality that, unfortunately, you are not all-powerful and you do not control the world 😉. No, but seriously: this can be really, really difficult because parents want to believe that by being vigilant enough, smart enough, careful enough, whatever-enough, they can prevent bad things from happening. Sadly, there are limits on your ability to protect your child, and they must walk through this world without your eyes on them all the time.

If you’re struggling with self-blame or confusion, focus on your real job as a parent: loving, teaching and guiding. What a wonderful gift you’ll give your child by modeling acceptance, compassion and self-forgiveness.

Love,
Jordan

]]><![CDATA[Why do we have to talk about the trauma?]]>Mon, 31 Dec 2018 19:29:37 GMThttps://www.jordanmotta.com/blog/december-31st-2018

Trauma is just like a wound you would get on your skin: if you don’t clean it and get all the dirt and germs out, it won’t heal properly.

When I was in third grade, while on a hike in the desert, I fell headfirst (and eyeball-first) into a cholla cactus. Yes, it was painful, but as a kid, the real torture was being forced to leave a fun situation. Luckily a wise adult was there to cart me off to endure the wrath of tweezers plucking out each of those cactus spines, not to mention that horrible antibacterial spray. But, it was totally necessary, right? If I hadn’t have gone and taken care of the injury, I would have ended up with a much nastier situation that would

have taken longer to heal. I needed to take that time to nurse my wound and set myself on the right path to healing.

Talking about the trauma is just the same. We revisit what happened and address problematic issues stored with the memory such as self-blame, overwhelming physiological sensations, and the brain’s sense that the trauma is happening now vs. already over and done with. Talking about the trauma in the right way lets us get everything out so that the memory can be re-stored in the brain with more accurate information.

I recently hit a roadblock in therapy with a young kid while talking about his trauma. He tearfully cried to his dad, “I never talk about this? Why do I have to talk about this?” Sometimes, it’s my job to explain, but other times, it’s my job to hold space for that child’s person to explain. In this case, the child’s father came up with a beautiful metaphor and broke it down for the child in a way I never could have. He said, “Remember when you got that big splinter in your finger? You didn’t want us to look at it or take it out, but what happened? It just kept getting redder and redder, and hurting even more. I know it’s tough, but you have to get that splinter out because in the long-run, it’ll hurt so much less.”

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